Legal Experts: Having Actual Election May Be Unconstitutional
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Amidst the outbreak of euphoria following Sen. Barack Obama's victory in the Democratic presidential race, prominent legal scholars are raising questions about the constitutionality of holding an actual general election. "It just doesn't seem right," said Professor Laurence Tribe of Harvard Law School, "to diminish the significance of Barack's achievement by forcing him to run around like mad for another five months and beg and grovel for America's votes. I mean, he already has our hearts. Isn't that what the Framers were really after when they talked about the Electoral College and whatnot?"
Obama spokesman David Axelrod, while declaring that the campaign's intention is "to participate fully in the general election, as currently understood," nonetheless found it interesting that "so many of the country's top legal minds are wondering if Barack Obama has in fact already beaten John McCain in a landslide. It really makes you think, doesn't it? Like, is an election something that happens when you pull a lever somewhere, or is it what happens when you encounter Barack Obama and realize you'll never be the same? Wow, I know I don't know the answer to that yet. Does anyone?"
The American Bar Association, weighing in this morning with a press release, urged caution: "The temptation of the present moment will be for the McCain campaign to dig in and stridently insist upon a traditional physical election with all its wearisome pageantry of debates and pins and voting booths. Make no mistake -- that sort of unreasoning attachment to the past is precisely the Old Politics that Barack Obama has so eloquently denounced and called us to transcend. Shall we? While it would be unseemly for the ABA to take anything like an official position on this matter, we would like all Americans to bear in mind that the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life."
Obama Distances Himself from a Few More "Unfortunate Distractions"
CHICAGO, Illinois -- Resigning Saturday from his 20-year membership at Trinity United Church of Christ, Sen. Barack Obama said that his act was necessary to end the "unfortunate distraction" that his association with the controversial church had become, both to his presidential campaign and to other Trinity parishioners. "This is not a decision I came to lightly," Obama said, "and frankly it's one that I make with some sadness."
In an echo of Saturday's decision, the Senator today announced the end of his decade-long relationship with William Ayers, the unrepentant Weatherman bomber. "After considerable soul-searching," Obama said at a press conference held in front of Ayers's Hyde Park residence, "I have decided to resign from my friendship with William C. Ayers. His advocacy of terrorism has become an unfortunate distraction from my own condemnation of terrorism in all its forms. It was a tough call, this decision, and those who have never been friends with a terrorist have no idea what I'm going through right now. Arrivederci, Bill."
Later in the day, joined by his wife Michelle, Sen. Obama took a group of journalists on a special tour of his South Side house in order to dramatize another personal decision. "We've asked you guys over here today," the Senator said, leading the group up the stairs, "to announce that, effective immediately, the Obama family will be resigning from one-quarter of our lovely home -- that quarter tainted by Tony Rezko's money. This whole Rezko thing has become an unfortunate distraction from my integrity. Therefore, the girls are going to be using the downstairs bathroom from now on. Their own has been boarded up, as you can see."
As the journalists examined the modified bathroom door, Obama went on: "And I had to tell Michelle this morning that under no circumstances is she ever to use the sauna, since that's off limits too. It's been rigged with an alarm to alert me to any unauthorized sauna-usage. Other no-go zones include this hallway closet here, the roof, and wherever we keep the hot-water heater. They all stink of Rezko."
Obama to Appear in Special Episode of TV's "Medium"
LOS ANGELES, California -- During his recent Memorial Day speech in Las Cruces, New Mexico, Sen. Barack Obama raised eyebrows with what seemed like a claim to paranormal powers. "On this Memorial Day," the Senator said, "as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today -- our sense of patriotism is particularly strong." While spokesmen initially tried to play down the "seeing dead people" line as a gaffe, the Obama campaign eventually admitted that the junior U.S. senator from Illinois does in fact enjoy powers far beyond that of the average human.
"In addition to Senator Obama's amazing ability to bring Americans together and lead us into the post-partisan future," said Obama aide David Axelrod, "he is also able to perceive manifestations of the Astral Bodies of the dead. Sometimes this enables him to help solve crimes, as when the spirit of a murder victim appears in his dreams and tells Senator Obama the name of his or her killer. On this note, the Senator would today like to notify the Boise Police Department that Luisa Ruiz, 73, did not in fact pass away peacefully in her sleep last week at St. Joseph's Hospital. No, she was poisoned by that weird-looking orderly on the night shift, Benny. You'll find that his fetid apartment is full of arsenic plants and freaky drawings of skulls and stuff. Oh, and there's a hide-a-key under the mat." In the wake of these revelations, producers of TNT's hit crime-drama Medium have announced plans to feature Sen. Obama in an upcoming episode. While the script has yet to be finalized, a source inside the network says that "the story will center around a particularly sticky case of triple homicide. Patricia Arquette's character is totally stumped and discouraged -- until she attends a rousing Obama rally and enters into telepathic communication with the candidate. As Sen. Obama makes trenchant points from the podium about health care reform and is being really inspiring, he's also whispering into her mind the killer's name, address, and home phone number. It's going to be a powerful scene."
Scott McClellan's Secret History Revealed
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Friends and colleagues of former White House press secretary Scott McClellan, already shocked to discover from his bestselling new memoir, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception, that he was a secret Bush critic all along, will soon be further shocked to learn that McClellan was also, from late 2005 to early 2006, the secret press secretary of Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.).
"After wrapping up his daily briefing at the White House," a story in tomorrow's Washington Post reveals, "McClellan would dash down Pennsylvania Avenue towards the Hart Senate Office Building, near the Capitol. There, after putting on a false mustache, he would descend to a dingy basement office and haltingly answer reporters' questions as a spokesman for Senator Obama." To those journalists acquainted with him in this guise, the Post says, he was known only as "Rudolfo".
Thickset, sweaty, and prone to humorless repetition, "Rudolfo" was widely derided as incompetent. "Every once in a while," the story quotes an unnamed reporter as saying, "Rudolfo's mustache would fall off and he would scramble around to pick it up and stick it back on. One day when this happened a second time, somebody made a crack about him looking like McClellan. Rudolfo froze, then ended the briefing immediately. Looking back on it now, I can't believe we didn't see what was going on."
Historians note that, while double agents are common in the history of spycraft, double press secretaries are not. "I'd call it really an unprecedented situation," says Tim Weiner, author of Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA. "McClellan/Rudolfo pulled off an extraordinary coup. Beneath that somewhat doltish exterior, evidently, there was a cunning intelligence of the first order. Honestly, I think that if James Jesus Angleton were alive today, he'd give Rudolfo a call. That's the kind of guy we need out there infiltrating Al Qaeda."
Exclusive Excerpt from Scott McClellan's New Book, "What Happened: Inside My Own Mind at the Bush White House"
Sitting down in the White House Mess one afternoon, polishing off another muffin (blueberry), I felt somebody's hand on my shoulder. Turning around, I saw that it was Karl Rove.
"Hey Karl," I said.
"What's happening, Scott?"
"Not much. Muffin?"
"No thanks. On my way to see POTUS. We're going over the new poll numbers on the . . ."
As Rove started rambling on about the Administration's scheme to reform Social Security, I delivered a rebuke all the more stinging because it was totally and utterly silent: "How dare you, Karl Rove?" I said inside my own mind. "How dare you take this country to war on the basis of trumped-up evidence about nonexistent weapons of mass destruction? How dare you help carry out George Bush's dastardly plutocratic plot to steal Iraq's oil? How dare you squander the goodwill of the world towards our country in order to enrich Cheney's fat-cat cronies at Halliburton? How dare you, Karl Rove? How dare you?"
My eyes said it all -- they were like twin flames of fury. Rove, however, seemed to take this criticism in stride.
"All right, buddy," he said nonchalantly, "gotta run. Don't eat too many muffins now. Bye-bye."
"Baa, Kaa," I said, having unfortunately just taken another bite.
***
After teeing off one afternoon at Raspberry Falls (the 10th hole, a real killer), I felt somebody's 6-iron tap me lightly in the rear. Turning around, I saw that it was Scooter Libby.
"Hey Scooter," I said.
"Hey Scott. Nice drive."
"Thanks. Been taking some lessons. See, there's this kid on the Tour who's --"
"Scott, as long as we're here," Libby interrupted, "could you tell me again where that guy from Newsweek got the . . ."
As Libby started shamelessly grandstanding about the Administration's "hard line" against Iran, I addressed to him a harangue all the more damning because it was entirely implicit. "For shame, Scooter Libby!" I said inside my own mind. "For shame! Are you so beholden to the influence of the Israel Lobby -- that vast, shadowy cabal of militarists and ideologues -- that you would deny the people of Iran their sovereign right to civilian nuclear power? For too long, sir, the American people have been deceived by the likes of you into believing Iran to be our natural and implacable enemy. It is not so. Were we to know the name of our true enemy in the Middle East, we should be compelled to name the accursed Zionist Entity itself! For shame, Scooter Libby! For shame!"
I have to admit I got a little carried away there (this was right after I discovered Noam Chomsky). But Libby, cool as a cucumber, acted as if nothing had happened -- nothing at all. We finished off the back nine and called it a day.
***
Wandering through the White House grounds one afternoon, looking for that quarter I lost, I felt somebody pinch my ducktail. Looking up, I saw that it was Condoleezza Rice.
"Hey Condi," I said. . . .
Chris Matthews Says His Obama-Tingle Has Switched Legs
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In early February, MSNBC anchor Chris Matthews famously confessed that Barack Obama's oratory made him feel a "thrill going up my leg". Sources close to Matthew later confirmed that the leg in question was his left. Now comes the revelation from Matthews himself, appearing yesterday on public radio's This American Life, that the "thrill" has somehow migrated to his right leg.
"I don't really know what happened, Ira," said Matthews during an interview with host Ira Glass, "but one day in April I was listening to Barack talk about hope and transcending all our old divisions -- or was it about all those foreigners stealing our jobs? -- when I suddenly became aware that the thrill, that little tingle, had jumped over to my right leg. I was flabbergasted, of course." Over the next few weeks, he said, his Obama-tingle was consistently located in his right leg, only travelling back into the left "during a couple of the debates with Hillary, for some reason. And whenever I flossed."
Experts agree that an Obama-tingle can be erratic. "There are those who find," says Dr. Heinz Baedecker of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, "that their personal Obama-tingle, while initially localized in some definite part of their anatomy -- their nose, say, or one of their kneecaps -- can often become unstable, or restless, and begin roaming freely throughout the body. This is nothing to be afraid of, let me add, and in fact can be a very pleasurable experience for some people. I myself am experiencing an Obama-tingle just now in my gallbladder, whereas this morning it was more in the neighborhood of the duodenum. Whoops, it just switched to both nipples. Not bad. Nonetheless, if not carefully monitored, a roving Obama-tingle can float upwards and lodge in the brain, where it could spark what's called an Obama-frenzy. Very unpleasant, that. Symptoms include messianic rhetoric, gas, and an extreme sensitivity to light."
Rezko Helped Out on More Obama Purchases Than Previously Known
CHICAGO, Illinois -- Today at the trial for fraud and extortion of Antoin "Tony" Rezko, new details emerged of the shady Chicago businessman's relationship with Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.). Rezko, who helped the Obamas buy their $1.6 million Kenwood District house by paying $600,000 for the lot next store (a condition of the deal), took the stand and, after sharp questioning by the prosecution, admitted that he had helped out the Obamas with other purchases as well.
"Nothing much, really," the accused "fixer" said under the glare of the U.S. Attorney, "just things that would come up from time to time. Once, for instance, I remember that Michelle really wanted this $9,000 Yves Saint-Laurent dress, which Barack couldn't quite swing. So I put in $3,000 and Michelle got the dress. She looked fantastic. Stuff like that."
Usually, however, Rezko's assistance was limited to smaller purchases, he said. "The Obama family toaster was getting pretty dilapidated, I recall, so Barack asked me to go in halvsies on a new one. I said I'd give him $20. The next day they had a shiny new toaster -- DeLonghi, I think. Top of the line." Other Obama purchases supplemented by Rezko included a Stairmaster ($200 from Rezko), a used PlayStation 3 ($125), tea towels ($15), an assortment of artisanal cheeses ($30), and some Cool Mint Listerine ($1.50).
Arianna Defends Obama's Opposition to "Dangerous" Born Alive Act
BRENTWOOD, Los Angeles -- Herbal cigarette-holder in hand, Arianna Huffington is furious. "Dah-ling!" she scolds one of the four tiny lap-dogs that are fighting for possession of her lap. "No! That is not where we make the poo-poo. Reginald!" Her elderly butler, tailcoated and trim, appears out of nowhere. "Madam?"
"Reginald, where have you been? Little Miss Sophie has made the poo-poo all over Madam. Take it away!"
"Certainly, Madam. Philips!"
A middle-aged housemaid, graying and glum, appears out of nowhere and dutifully takes it away. Reginald and Philips vanish as swiftly as they had materialized; the lap-dogs observe a glowering truce. Arianna, appeased, relights her brilliant smile and says to me: "Now then, what were we talking about? Ah, yes, the plight of the marginalized in today's America, wasn't it? How I have suffered over them, weeping for them day and night! Oh, les pauvres petits!"
It was Reginald that, yesterday afternoon, had phoned unexpectedly and invited me to me lunch chez Huffington. "Madam wishes you to join her for lunch," said the mysterious voice, touched with an antique English accent not unlike the late Malcolm Muggeridge's. "She enjoyed that article you wrote about Mumia in The Nation. Lunch will be served at 12:45 sharp. Shall I tell Madam you were pleased to accept her invitation? Splendid. 12:45 sharp."
After showing me the gardens, the orangery, the other orangery, and the cozy little hilltop studio where she'll occasionally dash off a watercolor, Arianna led me out onto the terrace -- "On such a lovely day one should always eat outside, n'est-ce pas?" -- and rang for lunch: two Mimosas, followed by an heirloom tomato salad with Burrata, hand-torn Focaccio croutons, and opal basil, followed by two more Mimosas. At length our conversation turned to Barack Obama.
"Darling Barack!" she says, enraptured, as Reginald again refreshes her drink. "Thanks. And speaking of Barack, did you know that the abominable Right Wing has started attacking him on abortion now? I tell you, that Rove will stop at nothing. Absolutely insidious, that man. He's even stooped to denouncing Barack for opposing the Born Alive Infants Protection Act! That's right, the one that would make it a crime -- a crime, mind you -- to finish off any fetuses that somehow survive an abortion. I don't think I need to tell you that anything that survives an abortion is dangerously tough. I mean, what with all the chopping, the eviscerating, the scalding chemicals, and so forth. My goodness, it'd have to be a kind of mutant super-fetus, wouldn't it? And I ask you -- do we really want such creatures out there running wild in the streets? Of course not. Another Mimosa, darling? No? Well, perhaps just one more for me, Reginald. Thank you. And I recall reading this one article -- somewhere on the Post, I think it was -- this article that recounted the horrifying tale of one of these dangerous super-fetuses that, after surviving a D&E, somehow got control of the operating room, tied up the nurses, stole the doctor's car and drove him straight to an ATM, where of course it cleaned out the poor man's account. That particular abortionist is now flat broke, I assure you. A tragedy. And as for the unscrupulous super-fetus -- well, it was last seen at Miami International Airport and is now rumored to be living in the Bahamas. So how's that for a cautionary tale, my dear?"
Obama: I Thought Ayers Was a Rogue Meteorologist
CHICAGO, Illinois -- William C. Ayers, early political sponsor of Barack Obama and unrepentant Weatherman bomber, has in recent weeks come to bedevil his friend's presidential campaign. Now Sen. Obama has made the startling claim, during a telephone interview with the International Herald Tribune (5/26), that "I know it sounds stupid, but I thought he was just some kind of dicey meteorologist, okay?" Asked by the Tribune why a mere weatherman -- as opposed to a Weatherman -- would be hunted down and prosecuted by the federal government, the Senator replied that he imagined it had "something to do with the resurgent fundamentalism of the Reagan-Bush years, which, you know, might have looked upon predicting tomorrow's weather as a kind of sorcery or whatnot. Witchcraft, what have you. I mean, have you ever read The Crucible? It's all in there, sadly." While Republicans scoffed, Arthur Miller's literary executor immediately declared his support. "Of course it's believable," said Victor Malscribere, who notes that he was also close friends with Lillian Hellman and Norman Mailer. "My God, we're living in the Stone Age here, and Obama's our one ticket out! Personally, I thought Ayers was a weatherman too -- you know, the TV kind as opposed to the killing. Anyone could make that mistake."
Obama Forced to Disown White Grandmother After All
MANHATTAN, New York -- In an eerie parallel to his troubled relationship with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Sen. Barack Obama was this morning forced to disown his elderly white grandmother after her incendiary remarks on last night's Meet the Press. Sources say that Madelyn Dunham, 85, was stung by her grandson's portrayal of her, in his widely-applauded speech on race in America, as fearful of black men encountered on the street. Now comes her surprising attempt to "set the record straight" with a nationwide media blitz, and Sen. Obama's anguished response thereto.
From the very first moment, her appearance on Meet the Press was tense. Mrs. Dunham was grimly attended, throughout the one-hour program, by bodyguards provided her by the Ku Klux Klan. After some prickly introductory comments, frequently alliterative, she gave fulsome praise to David Duke as "one of the most important thinkers of the 20th and 21st centuries". Flummoxed, host Tim Russert repeatedly gave the tiny blue-haired woman opportunities to qualify or mitigate her more outlandish accusations, but she took not a one.
Indeed, she went further. She advanced a controversial new theory that "the black man" had invented Florida to quarantine Jewish retirees from the tri-state area and enfeeble them with a regimen of lox and competitive bingo. She maintained that attacks upon herself were in truth "attacks upon the entire arthritic, blue-haired community", and thus despicable. She said that Sen. Obama, in distancing himself from her, was merely acting the politician. "Barack's a politician, I'm a grandma. Politicians equivocate, they postulate. Grandma's celebrate. But when we're pissed off, Tim, watch out -- 'cause then we immiserate. Punk-ass kid!"
This morning, in his subdued response to Mrs. Dunham's aspersions, Sen. Obama struck a note of somber regret. "The woman I saw on TV last night wasn't the same woman who's been -- I admit it openly -- my biological mentor for more than forty years. That's not the Grandma I knew. In fact, I must now face the terrifying possibility that I've never really known Grandma Dunham at all."
Sen. Obama Makes an Important Distinction
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) clarified his controversial remark that, if elected president, he would meet with Iran's Mahmoud Ahmajinedad "without preconditions". "While any meeting with President Ahmajinedad will certainly be without preconditions," he told the National Press Club, "it will obviously not be without prerequisites. There will in fact be many prerequisites, and very stringent prerequisites too. As goes without saying."
Even though no fuller explanation could be asked for, or even conceived, the Senator went on: "A precondition is something that Republicans unreasonably demand from foreign leaders. It's characteristic of Old Politics. A prerequisite, on the other hand, is something that Democrats very reasonably request from them. New Politics. You see the difference?" Evidently the assembled journalists did, for no sound was heard but that of perfect comprehension. Finally a cavil from the incorrigible Wall Street Journal.
"Senator Obama," the reporter began impertinently, "could you give us some examples of preconditions and prerequisites, respectively?" "Of course," replied the Senator, struggling to keep his cool under fire. "But first I must do some campaigning in a different state. Hawaii, I believe it is. See you guys on the plane."
Michelle Obama Back to Not Being Proud of Her Country
CHICAGO, Illinois -- After being roundly criticized for remarking that she was, on account of her husband's growing political success, "proud of my country" for the first time in her adult life, Michelle Obama has changed her mind. "I see now," she told a gathering of the Illinois Education Association, "that the grounds of my newfound pride were spurious. Yes, countless Americans have voted for Barack, but there are millions more who have failed fully to embrace his message of change and reorder their lives accordingly. How can I have 'pride' in any country so backward as that? Therefore, I today announce that I am now ashamed of my country for the second time in my adult life, and shall remain ashamed until everybody bows the knee to Barack. The clock is ticking, America."
During the subsequent Q&A, Mrs. Obama was asked by an educator what sort of opposition to Sen. Obama -- "however offensive any such opposition no doubt is" -- might nonetheless be construed as consonant with American traditions of democracy and individual freedom. "None," she replied, before adding: "Okay, maybe about his hair or something. Wait. No, that's not right. B's hair is off limits too. It's gorgeous. Next question."
Small-Town Voter Decides to Cling to Obama Instead of Guns, God
LITTLE LOT, Tenn. -- Until recently Urma Huddleston chose to escape from the squalor of her rural existence by pretending there was a heavenly realm awaiting her beyond the grave. "I used to think that Jesus was up there watching me, you know, along with Ma and Pa and Uncle Julius." (Her quaint dialect speech has here been emended so as to bring it into accord with Standard English -- assume, for instance, that all G's were originally dropped.) But now Ms. Huddleston and her "young 'uns", as she calls her slow-witted offspring, have found a new opiate for their earthly sorrows: Barack Obama.
"I guess you've got to have something to cling to in this crazy world," she told our reporter, "something magical, incredible -- maybe even something impossible. That's why I've decided to cling to Sen. Obama. I mean, there's just no way he could pull off everything he's promising. Still, it's real sweet of him, you know? Like Jesus rising from the dead and such." Whereupon she picked up a banjo lying near at hand (there are several of them in her hovel) and sang a little ditty about the necessity of single-payer health care.
Afterwards -- her young 'uns' howling quieted by these soothing strains, and by some scraps of meat -- she took her semiannual bath. Proudly stepping into the bucket, she declared: "And just like I'm taking my bath here today, so America needs to take a bath, see? Just like this. A great big bath of Obama. A baptism! And from the looks of it, America needs to have a shave too. Holy moly! I know there's a leg in there somewhere, right?"
Iranian Mullah Found Who Is Intimidated by Obama
QOM, Iran -- Here in Iran's holiest city, in the shadow of the Hadrat Ma'sumah shrine, Sheikh Ahmad Hassan Ansari is afraid. What has so rattled this seasoned despiser of infidel and Israeli? The presidential campaign of Sen. Barack Obama. "I have a terrible feeling that Barack," says the slender cleric, absently stroking his salt-and-pepper beard, "would immediately begin negotiations with us. That would of course be devastating to our plans for world domination. More tea?"
He pours me another cup. We are lounging tete-a-tete in a fragrant garden straight out of the Arabian Nights. Just as a plaintive call to prayer comes from distant minarets, I decide to grill the Sheikh: "How so?"
"Ah, my friend, you drive a hard bargain. I see that nothing but the unvarnished truth will satisfy you. Shall I be frank? Very well, then. The blustery Bush people were easy enough to deal with, you know, what with all their UN sanctions and threats of nuclear war. We could always up the ante, act crazier, and the curious dance would go on. Such children!"
I mention Frank Rich's latest column, and the Sheikh brightens. "Oh, Frank just nailed it, as usual. And that's precisely my point. The people of Iran can resist anything -- bombardment, carrier groups, attempted coups d'etat -- but a smile. What no invasion could even hope to accomplish, a little charm assuredly would. I mean, the thought of Barack striding confidently into Tehran, a spring in his step, that glint in his eyes . . ." For a moment he trembles. "As you can see, the prospect is utterly unnerving to me. Why, I think we'd be forced to disarm at once. Barack has that -- that je ne sais quois, you know? Oh dear, now I'm chattering on like a schoolgirl!"
After another cup of tea, I take my leave of him. The Sheikh waves goodbye from the verandah; evening falls on Qom. If I weren't so damn objective, I'd say a little prayer for peace.